Why Mr and Mrs Holmes Should Have Never Had Sex
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: AU-ish of SiiB. John meets the baby Holmes and only girl, he can't help but wonder why the hell Mr and Mrs Holmes procreated. crackish


John has to admit that once he got over the irritation of being virtually kidnapped by Mycroft and the awe of being in Buckingham Palace that the whole situation was highly amusing. After all Sherlock had momentarily been naked in the Queen's own home and it was hinted that the Queen herself sits there on the internet reading his blog. Both images were hilarious. As well as watching Mycroft bully Sherlock into putting some clothes on.

"What appears to be the problem?" Sherlock asked now that he had given up sulking for the moment.

"Our..._dear_ sister is being naughty again," Mycroft said. The word 'dear' sounded more of an insult than a term of endearment.

"Oh god what has _the woman_ done now?"

"Hang on!" John said interrupting Mycroft before he had even spoken. "You have a sister? That you refer to as 'the woman'? Jesus and I thought you and Mycroft had sibling rivalry."

"Oh Sherlock has the basic middle child syndrome," Mycroft said dismissively causing Sherlock to huff and sulk beside John. "I am, of course, the perfect eldest child precious in every way while our youngest sister Irene has the added bonus of being the only girl for Mummy to favour over all. Sherlock has always been insanely jealous of Irene, when he was a child of four he referred her as 'the baby', when they were older she was 'the child' and then she was 'the girl' and now she is 'the woman'. I imagine when we reach old age, well I say when but I mean if in Sherlock's and Irene's case, he will refer her as 'the grandmother' or 'the pensioner'."

"Nice," John muttered feeling rather glad his only issues with Harry were her drinking and leaving Clara. Easily ignored offences when it came to family events or when they needed comforting. "What a loving brother you are."

"Oh can the sarcasm John, you didn't have to grow up with her. She was insanely spoiled, got away with everything, and once tried to blow up the house," Sherlock snapped.

"You do that on a daily basis," John pointed out, "if I wasn't there to stop you, you would have killed yourself and poor Mrs Hudson."

"Back to the point," Mycroft said loudly preventing any sort of argument between Sherlock and John from continuing. "Irene Adler – she doesn't use Holmes anymore since she felt Sherlock and I had ruined it with our good-doing habits – is now a dominatrix prostitute who has mostly female clientele and now holds quite a few incriminating photos of a member of the Royal Family, please visit our baby sister and get them back for us."

"I am greatly disturbed that you know so much of your sister's sex life," John said.

"I know everything about my siblings. I know full well that sex disturbs Sherlock and he remains a virgin, do be gentle with him, John, I do not need to spend a week trying to fix him."

John spluttered some sort of denial that he was not gay while Sherlock hurled some abuse, deduce something of Mycroft's friend, and then shouted more abuse about his own sister who he had apparently not seen for three years from what John worked out.

By the sounds of the continual argument where John and Mycroft's friend – well ok, associate was more accurate – were increasingly feeling more uncomfortable as more information was revealed. Irene was not only more spoiled but was more intelligent than Sherlock and Mycroft put together. She continually outwitted them and the only one closest to beating her had always been Sherlock (hence why they were being sent instead of Mycroft doing it himself), she also had a much nastier malicious streak in her and if it wasn't for 'Mummy' Mycroft would have her killed years ago.

Honestly it's times like this that John wonders what on earth went on in Mr and Mrs Holmes' heads when they had not only decided to procreate together but call their children Mycroft, Sherlock, and Irene.

It's no wonder they all turned a little nutty with names like that.

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

Once they were in the home of Irene Adler things got a little odd.

John had been in the middle of getting some water for the cut that he had...erm caused when they were fighting when a beautiful brunette woman appeared wearing only a pair of pearl earrings and bright red lipstick.

Literally just that.

"You must be Dr John Watson; I heard all about you," she purred, "I follow your blog, very creative and witty. Oh I do like witty men."

"Erm...I...well...I don't feel very witty right now," John admitted feeling rather weak.

She was obviously Sherlock's and Mycroft's sister. Blunt, to the point, and completely ignorant of social rules – or maybe she was aware but preferred to ignore them? As well physically she had their curly dark hair, aristocratic features – not quite high cheek bones as Sherlock but high enough and that was definitely Mycroft's nose. She was indeed very pretty like Sherlock is (Mycroft might have been good looking at one time but they seemed to have faded in his middle age) and in a normal situation John would say she was way out of his league. Which she was really.

"John, what's taking you so long?" the door opened and Sherlock stepped in. He took one look at his naked sister and deduced the actual motive instead of getting angry like any normal brother would and attack the bloke. "What the hell are you doing?" Sherlock hissed. Erm on second thoughts... "You do not go around naked in front of my John!"

Then again...hang on did Sherlock just call him, his John? Oh boy.

There was some bickering that John tuned out of (he was so used to it with Sherlock and Mycroft that he often goes to a happier place) that resulted into some childish tug and pull. Irene was trying to pull John into her very big and very naked bosom while Sherlock was trying to pull him back into...err whatever Sherlock has.

All that John needed was Mycroft to appear and pull at his back claiming that John was his whatever and the whole situation would be complete.

Completely hell.

Honestly didn't Mr and Mrs Holmes teach their children to share?

John almost hugged the CIA agent that came into threaten them all.

After all he might be holding a gun to John's neck but he rescued him from the tug war going on between Sherlock and Irene.

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

Things were very awkward for the next few months.

During the chaos Irene had the opportunity of steal John's phone, set a sexual ring tone for when she texts him, and placed it back in his pocket all without him noticing. Normally he would say that was quite impossible but then she was a Holmes and they always do things like that.

It was two hours of constant texts with her gasping a orgasm before Sherlock snapped and threw John's phone into the toilet.

Oh he fully made Sherlock buy him a new one. Mycroft offered but John had an awful feeling anything from Mycroft would be bugged a dozen times and he only just got rid of the last secret camera in his bedroom.

Then Irene died and Sherlock, surprisingly, went into depression composing sad songs and starring mournfully out at of the window.

And then it turned out Irene had faked her death and quickly tricked Mycroft and Sherlock into revealing a government secret before Sherlock barely outwitted her.

"I told you she was the smartest out of us three," Mycroft said as he had his goons arrest his own sister, "Dear me Dr Watson you seem to have habit of worming yourself way into Holmes' hearts, don't you?" the password had been John-Locked which had been highly embarrassing. "I must keep Mummy away from you she might decide to leave Father for a much younger model."

John felt very uncomfortable. He felt even more uncomfortable but he really had to ask his question. "Erm...you don't...you know?"

Mycroft laughed. "Oh no, unlike my brother, I am truly married to my work. My greatest love is perhaps the Queen."

EW! John really needed to get the image of the Queen and Mycroft getting it on out of his head. Maybe he should start going back to his therapist?

"What are you going to do with Irene?" he asked changing the topic quickly.

"Oh, I think I might set up an execution with some terrorists, Mummy would understand once I tell her how Irene refused to listen to me and got herself into the wrong crowd."

"You would really behead your sister?"

"Dr Watson, she had almost destroyed the entire country out of her own selfishness, she went to Moriarty, her brothers' worst enemy, and faked her death. Trust me, a quick death by the blade is nothing compared to the torture any normal traitor would receive. Besides I am certain you will tell Sherlock, and Sherlock despite his bitterness, does love Irene dearly, and he will go off to her rescue and she will be back to torment me. Oh I miss the days when Sherlock wanted to be a pirate and Irene wanted to be a princess superhero. They were much easier days."

John blinked.

He felt a headache coming on.

In fact he felt a full on migraine coming on. He will have to lock himself in his room for days on end and avoid any Holmes' insanity for a while to regain his senses.

"Mummy wishes for you to come next Christmas. She would quite like to meet the man who had stolen the hearts of her babies," Mycroft said smirking.

John only had one thing to say.

"Good God, why on earth did your parents had have sex?"


End file.
